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How to Look like Britney Spears: A Full, Fun and Humorous Guide

Posted by Frederick Parker on

I know there are still a few Britney Spears fans out there, or is it Britney Spears Federline, or Britney K-Fed Spears.. whatever… I know her name is probably changed now after the divorce and what not. Teehee.

So come one, come out, come out, wherever you are, you Britney fans, read up man, I'm about to help you get Britney's look with just a few sleazy steps. It's easy really, and not only that, it's cheap!

First go get a pen, write this down…or hey, use your brain and use the printer…that is, if you have one.

  1. Well first you're going to have to sacrifice. Are you sure you are willing to sacrifice yourself for this transformation process? If you can answer yes, than the first thing you need to do is bic shave your head. That's right, every last lock. Then donate it. Yup. It's for a good damn cause, so don't be so selfish! Britney donated hers…so she said anyway.

-So you got that done, all shaved and looking good and sexy. God it's such a freeing feeling right?

  1. Now your bald and beautiful, but no one wants to look at your dome piece, it's probably all bump and ugly right? Of course it is, fear not though because the next step is a fun step. Wig shopping! Yes! Now I know most of you reading this are not rich and cannot afford human hair (yes Britney, it sort of defeats the purpose to donate your human hair, then you yourself go out and purchase a bunch of human hair wigs. LOL. You animal, you), so those who cannot afford it, regular Halloween wigs will work fine too. You can get some nice pieces, especially roun' this time of year.

-You got your wigs now right? Blond ones, brown ones, black ones, in all different lengths? Okay, good, good…we can now move to step 3.

  1. You now need a hat to hold that wig on, and you want the one that Britney wears right!? Of course you do. So get in the car, ride to Walmart and buy that cheap $9.00 Corona cowboy hat. It comes pre-burnt and dirty looking. However you want to get the real Britney effect, so when you buy it rub it in the dirt outside; try avoiding bubble gum. Now place the hat upon your wig. Wowie, look at you, you're almost there…now to work on the neck down.
  2. You have to wear makeup like Brit-Brit now. So go back into Walmart…barefoot of course… and now we need some clothes. Hmmm… a pair of jeans 3 sizes too small, a thong, a giant sleeveless night gown, a jean skirt, and a pair of spandex is what you will need.

First take the spandex and cut holes in them, around the butt, the knees and thighs. Shred it up… nice and good. Now take the jeans and cut them up into an underwear shape, so only a thread in between the crotch hold them together. Put these over the ripped up spandex, and throw on the night gown. That is one look you can work with.

The skirt should be worn with the thong…but we bought these just so people 'think' we wear underwear. The thong is just a decoy. You however, are to throw these panties out when you get home. The skirt is to be worn with no panties silly! You know, so you can flash everyone and their fathers; your swollen nasty vagina. Make sure you stop quickly for photo opportunity's.

  1. Shoes…. nope. If you want to be the real Britney deal, shoes are optional. She likes walkin' round everywhere barefoot, bathrooms especially.
  2. Next you are going to have to get some makeup! If you have a clear face, and don't have herpes, rub some vegetable oil on your face. It won't be long till you are sporting these red swollen bumps on your face. Like Britney. Now that you have the bumps, time to doll them up. Rub globs of cover-up over them, put on some lipstick so it's on your teeth and hanging off of the side of your mouth (to resemble Brit's ketchup incident). Next smear on globs of black eye liner, then splash your face with water…that way the eye liner runs. Perfecto! You are looking good now huh!? The resemblance is uncanny!
  3. Now that you have the look down to a tee, it's time to make a you tube video. First get drunk, and take some happy pills, and then move close up to the camera and tell why you love people and life so much, and why you are blessed. Do it in a very fake valley girl like accent.

Don't you feel sexy now?! Don't you look just like Britney now?!

I know, try not to thank me too much.